"Just because the world is more accessible than ever, doesn't mean you should access it," grumbled the bitterest part of my cold, blackened heart. You see, travel, you know, "exploring" as the kids are calling it these days just isn't what it's cracked up to be. The only memories I ever need are that of me perennially sporting a onesie while I proceed to never leave the house, and order carrot cake with cream cheese icing on it everyday. I'm starting to think the bakery down the street doesn't actually believe that my birthday happens 365 days a year.

Plus, with technology these days, you may as well just fork out the money for a green screen in the basement and just like photoshop yourself in places. Haven't you seen social media these days? People won't even know the difference.

I better get writing already as my day is waning, and I've got so much scheduled (video games in underwear at 3pm, yelling at people out the window at 4pm, neglect to bathe at 5pm)...So yeah, here are my 5 reasons that travel just isn't really worth it. Perhaps I'll throw in an honourable mention or two at the end if I'm ahead of schedule.

"Travel? I'm not even planning on getting up today..." - A Degenerate Dog

1. The Planning, My Goodness, The Planning!

Picture this. You're sitting at home and could be watching Fox News, but INSTEAD, you're trying to construct a plan to visit a whole bunch of towns you can barely pronounce. Also, what if you plan it, then you arrive, and you don't like it? Then you're stuck, and the travel agency is licking its chops, and heading out for dinner with your money in your hometown (where you should be!). Some of the more seasoned travellers claim that there's an unplanned element to travel, a certain spontaneity, but who'd want to abandon the sweet confines of routine?

I've heard some folks actually like to buy guide books named "Loner Planet" or something like that, and actually enjoy the challenge and intrigue in preparing where they might explore and discover. You can't trust loners (except for myself), I've always said that.

Imagine if you get there and you really fall in love with the place. You might end up actually moving to another country and ditching the homeland. If I did that, who'd yell at the children in my town about not travelling!? Think of the children!

"Travel makes you unravel." - Moderately Grumpy Guy

2. What Are You Supposed to Eat?

You know what they say, "if it wasn't frozen before, it won't be delicious later." And by "they," I mean "me." I've been eating Hungry-Man frozen dinners for nearly a decade now, and I'm not a bit worse for wear (plus the onesie really shows off my figure).

There are two spices allowed in my house - salt and pepper. I've heard of Indian cuisine so flavourful and full of spices that you can actually faint from enjoyment. Now, that sort of hedonism is just not tolerable. If you're enjoying food that much, it's the devil's work, plain and simple.

I've had nightmares about pronouncing the word "pho" in public, I truly have. Stick with what you know, and your tastebuds will never be surprised - surprises are a dangerous business.

"Don't do it! Isn't Canadian food enough for you?" - Confused, Eccentric, Artsy Young Gentleman

3. Challenging Old Views With New Perspectives. Terrifying!

If you spend hours a day validating your narrow opinions on the World Wide Web, then world wide travel is just too much to bear. What if someone else's opinion makes a little too much sense? No, it's best to hold steadfast to your beliefs at all costs. It's like the old saying goes, "it's better to be wrong and feel right, then rightfully understand that you're wrong."

I believe it was that Aldous Huxley fellow who noted, "To travel is to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries." Firstly, you can't trust people named "Aldous." Secondly, he wrote fiction, so he could be making this up. Thirdly, this just proves my point that discovering only leads to trouble.

Sure, if you want to go and broaden your horizons, travel the world, but there's going to be heaps of confusion on the horizon! If you're not careful, you'll come back all kinds of empathetic, and maybe, maybe...maybe even selfless!

"'Tis so sweet, to be bitter" - Stubborn, Unwavering Cat

4. Other Languages Aren't English.

How come other countries don't speak English? It's all very confusing. Even Scotland terrifies me, with their thick, robust accents. I've also heard that learning languages can actually expand your intellect. The only thing I'm interested in expanding is my waistline via the Carrot Cake Expressway, if you get my drift. (please see opening paragraph of said rant for further details)

And I'm quite sure that every word you learn in another language replaces an English word in your brain, right? I'll be heading to a biased chat room right after this to verify!

Imagine, if you know another language you may actually have a deep connection with another culture (blasphemous!). People might respect the efforts you're putting into learning about their nation and offer you things like friendship, food, a place to sleep, or a pleasant conversation - and I'll tell you, I'm no freeloader!

Learning a language is just too darn difficult. I can tell you that personally, as I've actively never tried for years now!

"Sure, I could learn, but I'm just so busy these days..." - The Lying Gorilla

5. What If You Get Lost, and Can't Get Un-lost!

If you need to use a map, you've gone too far from home! As far as I understand it, the rest of the world is just one large, highly dense forest to get lost in. Sure, you could download one of those offline maps, but you'd have to have a smart phone to do that. I'll quote one of the signs that I leave permanently on my lawn, "smart phones aren't so smart!"

I've even heard some of these travel bloggers talking about the value in being disoriented and finding your way. Well, no sir! Not for me! If I spun you in a circle fifteen times, would you "learn" from the dizziness? No, you wouldn't, you'd just have a mildly upset stomach and need to take an extra strength Tums.

On some of these elaborate travel documentaries (of which there are just too many!), they even rely on the kind locals for help with navigation! These people in other nations go completely over the top to help those who are trying to find their way which, from my limited experience with the rest of humanity, I can say with certainty just couldn't be the case. I was taught to fend for myself to the bitter end, so I'd rather drive for hours in the wrong direction than roll down the window for help (ask my wife!). Think about it this way - you'll never get lost, if you never leave your lazy-boy.

"The shirt says it all." - Embittered, close minded teenager.

Honourable Mentions (aka Other Reasons Not to Travel)

You won't get your necessary beauty rest.
You can't bring all your expensive things!
No one will know how important you are back home!
Gazing out the window can make you feel icky.
Reading the signs at museums can make you sleepy.
Meeting strangers is frightening, especially if don't want to challenge stereotypes!
Confronting your fears only leads to more fear.

I hope you had as much fun reading this as I did writing it! If you didn't pick up on the satire, you've got bigger problems to solve than whether you should travel or not! As a lover of writing and comedy in general, I had a smile on my face the whole time, and my girlfriend, Bri, would likely tell you I was laughing at my own jokes far, far too often. I'd like to think of this "character" as more or less the antithesis of myself but you, dear reader, already know that. If you enjoyed this, let me know in the comments below! Let me know if you'd add anything to the list of "honourable mentions," or anything in between! Thanks, folks!

5 Reasons Travel Just Totally Isn't Worth It